Shaking Ambridge to The Core.

 

I was going to listen in the bathroom but as The Teenager had returned home unexpectedly early we opted to listen upstairs in my bedroom. We were listening to the sixtieth anniversary broadcast of The Archers (a radio programme) which we had been told would ‘Shake Ambridge to the Core.’ (SATTC)

I had been caught up in the speculation and went on the message boards reading wonderful suggestions about who would be affected in the fictional village of Ambridge. I had read every article/post/teaser on the subject. Some of the teasers gave away the Helen story line. So I already knew that Helen would survive and that her baby would be born prematurely. Then on the BBC board the cast lists were published for the first three weeks of January. It was not hard then to do the sums and to work out that Nigel would be the one in most danger.

The whole day I had listened to Radio Seven broadcasting classic episodes from the programme. It had been an utter delight. I loved the word play between Martha and Walter. I loved the way sentences were long and delivered in such a way you could picture the scene in such detail. It was like bathing in champagne.

The Teenager was told that he could listen with me but was told he must not make a sound. I told him he would be disinherited if he made so much as a squeak. He sat on the carpet as the signature tune played with his laptop on his knees.

With all the hype I could barely hear the first few minutes, and it took me a while to relax so that I could work out what was happening. Within seconds The Teenager was sniggering. He was I discovered later reading the tweets as they appeared. He showed me some of them distracting me further.

When Helen was rushed off to hospital I was unconcerned. I couldn’t have cared tuppence. I wasn’t worried about Tony’s driving, red lights or anything. I had no anxiety for her at all. When the baby was born, no I didn’t get the rosy glow either.

However when Tony said he was to blame for his estrangement from Helen and then apologised and all was then set to rights between the two I felt let down and cheated. It was all too cosy and everything was sorted out far too easily.

Tony’s character has been wonderfully acted in the weeks leading up to the SATTC episode, but in this episode he didn’t take me with him. Perhaps that was because I was already in a heightened state of anxiety, or because I knew too much, or because there were giggle from The Teenager reading the tweets or because I was just not a good listener. So if the fault was mine I apologise.

So all in all, I felt absolutely no emotion whatsoever for the Helen storyline.

I’m afraid I flat-lined.

Meanwhile back in Lower Loxley the party has lost some of its jollity despite news of the birth. Lower Loxley, by the way, isn’t even in Ambridge. It’s a rather grand pile that moves in orbit two miles distance from Ambridge dependant upon the scriptwriter’s whim. Then when David and Nigel headed to the roof my suspicions that Nigel would be the one were confirmed. The cast lists on the BBC boards had already betrayed that David appeared at a later date. So when the banner was being taken down it was obvious who would fall.

Now Nigel Pargeter has long been one of my favourite characters. He is has been the kindest, sweetest character in The Archers with the most wonderful eccentricity and the most likelihood of helping others and doing good. He is a character who is very, very dear to me. So I should feel something when he’s struggling on the roof with the banner. I should feel something. He slips he falls and he screams. He is not even honoured with the doom music. The episode ends.

And what am I doing? Am I wiping tears from my eyes? This is a character that I love that has just fallen to his doom. Am I sitting there in stunned silence? I love Nigel. So what am I doing?

I’m laughing!

The Teenager is reading out tweets.

And I’m laughing.

It’s as if the whole thing has been a farce, a badly acted comedy. A watery gravy of nothingness. The fall so clichéd at the end of the programme. The whole acting so terribly under-rehearsed. The tension of the actors as they delivered their lines causing the characters to appear overly stressed before they had cause or reason to be so.

My favourite character has been maimed or killed and I don’t care. Perhaps it was my fault for chasing down those clues. Perhaps I should have been more strong willed and not given my curiosity full rein. Perhaps I should not have donned the deerstalker. Perhaps had I not known anything I would have been surprised, shocked and moved.

Perhaps.

Perhaps if the programme hadn’t been trailed and hyped so much I would have come to it as a listener should without any knowledge whatsoever.

Perhaps.

So I am laughing and feeling cross and feeling cheated and feeling annoyed.

I am reading the tweets:

“Would it be inappropriate to use Nigel’s death scream as a ring tone.”

“How long before we get a Nigel scream remix.”

“Would have been better with a, ‘Mummmmmmmmmmy.’”

“He looks like a Henry,” F***ing Hell. Helen’s given birth to a vacuum cleaner.”

“My seven year old daughter has suggested that Nigel comes back as a Zombie and kills everyone.”

“Hello Nigel, welcome to the other side. Hope you’ve bought the gorilla suit!”

And I’m laughing. It’s a sort of empty disappointed hollow laugh.

Was Ambridge shaken to the core? No.

Am I disappointed with this special anniversary episode?

On so many levels, yes.

Was it champagne?

No.

Still laughing?

No!

Teenager disinherited?

Yes, from a programme that was once pure gold!