Just Who Do You Think You Are?

Okay, so all is well again in my little corner of the universe when the Working Family Tax Credit envelope lands on the floor. I’m no longer eligible for this, but I dutifully sort out my paperwork and discover to my horror the meagre extent of my earnings for the year. I fill in the form trying to refer to the help notes which are labelled quite differently to the form itself and then as I’m ticking off the boxes I reach one that says you must contact us straight away. I do so expecting nothing more than a quick conversation which will again confirm that I am not eligible for any benefits.

I was so wrong.

What’s your National Insurance Number?

I give it.

Date of birth?

I give it.

First line of your address?

I give it.

Postcode?

I give it.

Name?

I give it.

And I also give answers to other questions too.

What was your previous name?

This startles me.

I’ve never had a previous name.

There’s a hesitation on the other end of the line.

What was your previous address?

I laugh.

I’ve been here for ages I say. I doubt if you will have any of my previous addresses on your computer. I toy with the idea of giving my previous address in America or the one in New Zealand but decide against it.

It’s for the security check he says. I’m afraid from what you’ve told me I can’t access your account. You will have to go down to your local tax office with proof of your identity.

What?

He repeats his words.

Can’t we run through the questions again? I ask.

There are no more questions. They’ve updated the system.

But I’m not eligible anyway I say. So is it really necessary?

I run through my situation and figures with him.

If you don’t attend an interview you’ll have to pay everything back he says.

I’m utterly dumbfounded.

I wonder how it is possible to pay back nothing, but I suspect his computers would surely find a way.

Someone will ring you he says.

So, tomorrow I have to present myself at the tax offices with proof of whoever I am.

All because a computer will have a hissy fit if I don’t. Apparently, because I have never been married (far too ugly) and so therefore have never changed my name; and also because I have never moved house (far too poor) the computer does not know my identity.

All in all utter utter dismay!