The sound of Banshees

 

It is a fact universally acknowledged that as soon as water begins to drip from pipes plumbers can not be found.

It was a steady drip from the toilet cistern. The water was trickling down from the top of the pipe and then onto the carpet.

I hadn’t noticed it.

I had earlier noticed an odd smell rather like damp plaster, but had not been able to account for it.

I returned home from work to be told by The Teenager that there was a leak and that water was dripping into the kitchen. He did not know where the leak was. When I went to look. I could see immediately the wet patch beneath the pipe, and placed a plastic tub underneath it to catch the drip, wondering as I did so why The Teenager could not have noticed it too, having been alerted to the problem, and done the same.

I read through yellow pages looking for a plumber. I was looking for a lady plumber who worked in the area, having previously been let down with my usual plumber.

I read through all the entries, but not knowing her name I could not work out which one was her. In the end I telephoned my original plumber thinking: better the devil you know.

I assumed that the woman I spoke to was his wife. She said he would call me back.

In the meantime, there was a knock on the door. A woman had found some keys. ‘Were they mine?’ she asked. They weren’t. But my neighbour’s builder was also on his front doorstep listening to the exchange.

The house next door has been generating enough dust to fill the American dust bowl as they’ve renovated the property. Most of this dust has been seeping into my house.

I asked if there was a plumber still on the premises next door. ‘Yes,’ the man replied. ‘That’s me.’

Now in an ideal world he would have fixed the leaking pipe there and then.

But no.

‘Is it a big drip?’ he asks.

Honesty has always been my downfall. Why didn’t I choose words such as deluge, flood, swamp, tsunami is beyond me.

‘No,’ I confessed.

‘Could it wait until tomorrow morning?’ he asks.

I think. He is obviously tired. I know he has been working hard. The skip piled high behind him is testament to his hard work. I feel sorry for him. I guess he’s weary.

‘Yes,’ I say.

I now have two plumbers alerted to my dripping pipe. My thinking being that if one turns up, then I could easily cancel the other.

But we are speaking plumbers here.

I get up early in the morning, but by the time I have to leave to go to work there is no sign of next door’s plumber. Just before I leave  the house my usual plumber finally calls me back.

‘What time shall I call around?’ he asks laconically.

I do a quick calculation.

‘Four?’ I suggest.

‘Four it is,’ he says.

I leave for work. There is no still sign of next door’s plumber.

When I get home from work the leak has intensified. I wait for my usual plumber.

At five I think he’s probably still working on a very tricky job somewhere.

At six I think perhaps he’s now on his way and stuck in traffic.

At seven I ring.

He is full of excuses. His wife had a headache. He had to do the school run.

I know that he simply forgot.

He says he’ll turn up tomorrow morning.

By this time the drip has intensified. Overnight the bowl overflows. The carpet is now soaked. The smell of damp plaster, and likely rotten flooring is unmistakable. My socks quickly feel cold and wet when I stand by the sink.

My usual plumber turns up.

He fixes the problem.

I pay.

He leaves.

I look.

The once straight pipe has been replaced by a pipe that loops like a roller coaster. Part of the loop is pinched and the water squeezing through this constriction makes a sound like a dying Banshee’s wail.

A sound somewhat akin to the sound I make upon seeing it.

Later, much much later, I see next door’s plumber in the street.

‘Shall I come now and fix your leak?’ he asks, like an after thought.

He’s only fifty hours late.

I fix him with an inward glare that I reserve solely for plumbers, but on the outside I thank him politely and tell him that the problem is now solved.

I know that my neighbour’s plumbing will be immaculate.  That it will have exquisite piping and neat joins.

Whereas from my house comes the screech of some demonic woman.

He looks at me quizzically.

I shrug and leave for work.